I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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