Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
