I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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