Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
