Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Farmville is her only friend.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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