there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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