I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
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