Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
