A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
