I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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