A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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