Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
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