I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
