so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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