the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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