Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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