Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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