Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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