Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
