My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
