I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
