Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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