Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
