I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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