I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
