just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
