The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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