garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
