Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
