There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
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I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
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I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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