My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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