You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
