can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
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