my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
