I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
