my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
