Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
