I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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