So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
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I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
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we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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