i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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