she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
