Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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