smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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