he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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