i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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