Your mouth is God's brothel.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
