Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
