I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
