i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
