I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
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