woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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