The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
send nudes
from the living room?
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
