Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Randomize
