did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
no you cant smoke seaweed
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
