And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
